Vaporous. Veiled.

I have seen countless mirrors in my life, but none have ever been a true reflection of me. Desires. Pleasures. Pain.
I. Am. Invisible.

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Breathe Me

“Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, and needy
Warm me up and breathe me

Ouch, I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah, I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, and needy
Warm me up and breathe me.”

~Sia “Breathe Me”

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The Stillness and The Dancing

“I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.” ~ T.S. Eliot

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Please.

My heart is racing. I feel like I’m standing on top of a rushing train, and I can’t make it stop. I haven’t eaten anything but I feel extremely sick to my stomach. I am worried. I am scared. I feel the fight or flight urge. The nausea is overtaking me. I feel like I can’t breathe. All I want is peace, and it is the one thing most denied to me. I am not a bit tired but I haven’t slept, and I know I won’t tonight. Tomorrow is a big, dark monster looming. Nothing good will happen. It’s another opportunity for more misery. This Bitch can’t take it. I don’t want to take it. I want to be done with this – this – this everything. This miserable existence. I’m not throwing myself into the void. I’m just trying to make it through the worst moment.

 

Think a bright, little thought for me. Please.