Vaporous. Veiled.

I have seen countless mirrors in my life, but none have ever been a true reflection of me. Desires. Pleasures. Pain.
I. Am. Invisible.

STRIPPED

Nowhere Bitch

There is no light.
Only darkness, demons, and whatever is left of whomever I used to be.
Gnawed to the bone. The blood is gone.
Soul take flight. Escape. Endless night.

Peace is a 45, and an ounce of momentary nerve.

No 911…venting the pain so I can breathe.

The Ride

Runaway brain.
Heart full steam.
Blood racing.
Comfort fading.
All consuming.
Aching. Breaking.
Suffocating.
End approaching.
Pausing. Loathing.
Aberration theme.
Chain of pain.

Breathe Me

“Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, and needy
Warm me up and breathe me

Ouch, I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah, I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, and needy
Warm me up and breathe me.”

~Sia “Breathe Me”

https://g.co/kgs/yw6ZUp

The Stillness and The Dancing

“I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.” ~ T.S. Eliot

Please.

My heart is racing. I feel like I’m standing on top of a rushing train, and I can’t make it stop. I haven’t eaten anything but I feel extremely sick to my stomach. I am worried. I am scared. I feel the fight or flight urge. The nausea is overtaking me. I feel like I can’t breathe. All I want is peace, and it is the one thing most denied to me. I am not a bit tired but I haven’t slept, and I know I won’t tonight. Tomorrow is a big, dark monster looming. Nothing good will happen. It’s another opportunity for more misery. This Bitch can’t take it. I don’t want to take it. I want to be done with this – this – this everything. This miserable existence. I’m not throwing myself into the void. I’m just trying to make it through the worst moment.

 

Think a bright, little thought for me. Please.

If Not All

The Mother’s Day aftermath has been rough.

An Ode to My 1st Abuser

Dear Mom,
                      Fuck you.
                                           

There’s No Escape

“I can’t escape the pain.
I can’t control the rage.
Sometimes I think that I’m gonna go insane.
I’m not against what’s right.
I’m not for what’s wrong.
I’m just making my way and I’m gone.”

~ Shinedown “Fly From the Inside”

This Bitch gives credit where it’s due.
Art by Toon Hertz