futility in training clearly

i woke up at 4am and thats only weird because im usually awake before 4 and i started thinking that maybe i should meditate but thats just a joke and a lie i tell myself because when have i ever been able to successfully clear my mind which leads me to thinking about the walking dead episode called clear and then i’m thinking about the episode with the cabin in the woods and the artwork on his walls and the goat and the cell and how much the guy reminds me of the man at the cdc even though they are so different they were both calm and clear dammit i can’t even manage to be like supporting characters on a tv show but that’s rediculous because they aren’t real is reality even real and im reminding myself that the goal was to clear my mind and meditate and i close my eyes and i see the word clear in bright white against the blackness of my closed eyelids and again remind myself that im supposed to be trying to meditate yeah right this is obviously an exercise in futility what am i stupid like the scene from a show i once saw called kids in the hall and they were in an alley behind a bar and the kid in the hall was voluntarily running into this large mans fist instead of getting into the fight with the guy swinging and eventually he’s kicking his own ass and everyone who had gathered to watch the fight was eventually yelling at him to stay down but he was just getting up again and again running into the guys fist over and over yeah that’s what this is like and again hey im trying to meditate here and what is that weird pain in my elbow is it in the elbow then joints and ligaments and veins and  pull the veins from my arms and bloody fingers and im still trying to clear my mind and now it’s 6am and im no closer to sleep and much closer to getting up and what the hell is wrong with me and what the fuck ever happened to mrs kim on gilmore girls


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