I cry a lot lately. I cry about my life, the changes in our family, and if I’m really being honest, I cry about television shows and commercials. UGH. My brain knows it’s because of my meds changing, but my heart only knows I’m in emotional pain. I cried for an hour the other day over a happy renovation moment on an HGTV show. Yes, I really did. Bawled like a baby. I’m living proof that Bitches do cry. Not only do we cry, we weep. Deeply.
I miss my grandmother. She’s gone on ahead of me, and I hope she’s somewhere waiting for my arrival. She was, is, and always will be the voice in my head telling me to remember who I come from, and to hold my head high. I miss my other grandmother, too. She is in a nursing home more than 1000 miles from me. She lives with Alzheimer’s, and apparently there aren’t any CNAs available to comb her hair for her. She always kept her hair immaculately styled, and I know she would be mortified if she knew how she is left to look now. Boy, that really hits a nerve in me. Deep stuff. Big pain. But for some years now, I miss my father-in-law, who hated my very presence in his son’s life. He’s gone on ahead, too. I hope he knows now how much I just wanted to be accepted. I wanted to feel worthy of the family he created. I read somewhere that one of the worst feelings in the world is “unwanted.” I wouldn’t want to be the one who had to rank emotions, but I believe that one ranks up there with some of the worst. I didn’t always handle the rejection properly, and I regret every wrong I ever committed. I truly do. I hope that wherever he is, that he knows that. I wept for him at his funeral, and I still cry over the loss. He was so loved by his family, and I just wanted him to let me love him, too. I’m so sorry I didn’t measure up.
I am so, so, sorry.